Russian Technology Unbound
Imagine an eagle soaring proudly around the earth in orbit at supersonic speed. Suddenly, the evil Hubble Space Telescope comes into view. The eagle’s eyes glisten with sparks of bravery, it turns its back on the devilish American craft and a powerful red-white-and-blue laser beam shoots out of the eagle’s buttocks, blinding the telescope and rendering the demonic Americans helpless. Their own national symbol has laid them low!
Who in the world could be capable of putting forth such amazing technology to advance the fight against the evil empire that is the USA? Only Vladimir Putin’s Russia, that’s who!
Putin in Space
Just as there are any number of ignorant Russians who, hilariously, believe their country really only leased Alaska to the United States, there are many who will insist that the Americans never landed a man on the moon (not even once, much less multiple times). Apparently Americans are not clever enough to do so — but more than clever enough to fool the rest of the world into thinking that they did!
Such ignorance, such laughable stupidity, and such mind-boggling contradictions are what emerge from decades of crazed, feverish neo-Soviet propaganda. Even watching the Soviet system destroyed was not sufficient to convince hapless Russians to reject it. So right after it fell, the rushed to put the KGB right back in power, in the person of Vladimir Putin — doing so because a man they claimed to hate, Boris Yeltsin, told them to.
The latest instance of Russian brain fever has the population believing that even though Russia, admittedly, has never even once landed a man on the moon, it will build a station and start permanently living there by 2030.
We would find Russian belief in such a notion hilarious were it not for the dire consquences it suggests for the country and its future.
Disaster in South Korea
Last week the world saw clearly what happens when a nation looks to Russia for technology. That nation crashes and burns spectacularly.
Quite frankly, we see it as being not just ridiculous but blatantly offensive for an impoverished, backwards nation like Russia to be engaged in any way in a space program. The billions of dollars Russia spends each year developing missiles and rockets, all in a frenzied and desperate desire to compete with the United States, should instead be spent on meeting the actual needs of the people of Russia.
Look, up in the Sky! It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s Super Russia!
Of all the ridiculous, asinine “ideas” to emerge from the fetid wasteland that is neo-Soviet Russia (floating nuclear power stations, building islands in the Black Sea, colonizing Mars, walking on the Moon, etc.) surely the most side-splittingly ludicrous of them all is the Kremlin’s “plan” to “save the Earth” from a killer asteroid by blasting it with a Russian-made missile.
Late last month Moscow celebrated the birthday of Father Frost, the Russian iteration of Santa Claus, with a new-fangled announcement: Father Frost’s retinue would move through the holiday skies aided by Glonass, the Russian answer to GPS.
Eagerly waiting children could track his movement online, while he could simultaneously improve his gift-giving efficiency. “Now Father Frost can be sure,” his press release said. “He can monitor his helpers through the Internet, even when he himself leaves for another city.”