U.S. News and World report reveals the details of a very interesting new Russian addition to the world automobile market:
The press release is titled, “Armored Car Without Penis. Let’s Save the Whales.”
We promise we did not make this story up. That’s about all we can promise you.
A Russian SUV builder has abandoned its plans to line the interior of its new luxury SUV with whale penis leather. Thanks to Pamela Anderson. And Greenpeace.
The Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition, Jalopnik reports, was designed to be “The world’s most expensive ultra-luxury SUV.” Planned for a 2010 debut, the $1.5 million vehicle was to feature “White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges,” Kevlar body panels and “Gold-plated bulletproof windows.”
No, we don’t know how you’re supposed to see out of a gold-plated window; perhaps the Kevlar body panels are there because you’ll hit stuff. It does come with three bottles of Vodka, after all.
Most importantly, the car was to feature a “Whale Penis Leather interior.”
Enticing, isn’t it? Even Stephen Colbert wanted one.
But it was not to be.
Autoblog reports, “because of pressure put on by animal advocacy groups like PETA and apparently a personal email from PETAphile Pamela Anderson, the Dartz boys are stepping back from their whale-penis-leather-loving ways.” Instead of leviathan foreskin, they’ll be putting in “most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality.”
In a press release, the automaker explains, “We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that.” Instead, they insist, “We just looking for most expensive products for this car – and that’s why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most.”
When they checked? With who, exactly? What who this answer at the ready?
They conclude, “Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales – we will keep You live! We don’t Earth fall down to Ocean!”
We’re not in the habit of printing press releases in their entirety. But this one we will, because it is without a doubt the best press release of all time. It follows:
ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET’S SAVE THE WHALES.
One month ago DARTZ presented uberluxury armored car with whale penis interior – PROMBRON’ (ex.RussoBaltique), lot of people name this car as DARTZ.KOMBAT. As the world’s resonance was very huge and DARTZ got lot of angry e-mails from Greenpeace, WWF and also Pamela Anderson, DARTZ make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior.
“We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want – to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. Our brand was started at 1869 when in Riga was opened Coach Factory or Russo Baltiysky Vagonnij Zavod – PBVZ, and first products was luxury train coaches. At 1907 was made a decision to open Car Department, and at 1909 first car left factory – the name of this car was RussoBalt. This was luxury and sport cars. At 1911 specially for Monaco Rally car got french style name – RussoBaltique. At 1912 factory made world first 4 x 4 wheel drive car, and at 1914 – armored car. All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON’ (ex.RussoBalt).
We just looking for most expensive products for this car – and that’s why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: “Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales – we will keep You live! We don’t Earth fall down to Ocean!”
Also we make a decision to pay more attention to glass and on our new car model we will use glass which will be made by special technology – from artificial grown chrystals, which will be gold sputerred to cut IR and UV rays, which make driving inconvinient when sun shine.
Leonard F. Yankelovich
“No, we don’t know how you’re supposed to see out of a gold-plated window; ”
Airplane windshields are all gold plated and
are perfectly clear.
The layer of gold is to conduct electricity to
warm up the plastic layers between the plates of glass(nearly ten inches thick) to make it bird strike proof.
When a bird hit at 250 knots, the glass will shatter but the warm plastic will hold everything togheter and save the crew’s life.
LA RUSSOPHOBE RESPONDS:
Do you also think he made a great point here, Artie?
Ouch. Yet one more occasion on which you utterly humiliate yourself.
It is probably more humane to circumcise whales than to skin Corinthians:
1. A native or inhabitant of Corinth.
2. A luxury-loving person; a bon vivant.
3. A wealthy amateur sportsman, especially an amateur yachtsman.
Are 250kmph bird-strikes common in SUV’s?
Only if you drive on the Autobahn.
The gold plating will be done at factory which supplied cosmic industry and which coated World First Sputnik and Lunokhod. Now it is namde Sidrane – http://sidrabe.com – so believe us, quality will be the highest. We keep traditions.
ok, the announcement is hilarious, and dartz’ customers are probably Russian (although they might as well be Saudi sheiks) – but the company is in Riga, Latvia – so the statement about *Russian* addition to the automobile market is certainly out of place.
If anything – it’s proof that stupidity certainly isn’t limited to Russia.
Maybe the U.S. News and World secretly wishes that Latvia is part of Russia? The bigger your definition of “Russia” – the more things you can blame on it.
Latvia never been independent. Even Grandaddy Lenin make this gift to Latvia. Now You can call it “Sweden”. But anycase we are Russians for those who live abroad – we want it or not.
Putin is not ageing well. I reckon he’s weather beaten leathery skin would be a perfect alternative, and maybe we could give this car manufacture a job lot of United Russia politicians,
“skin em all I say”
I’m not sure if you can do many car seats with the leather taken from Putin’s penis…
Surely there is enough to cover the radio tuning knob?
Guys, I am ready to answer all Your question!
And let’s Drink today for RED ARMY!
Yankelovich – are you sure you are ready to answer *my* questions as well? Ну-ну!