EDITORIAL
Annals of the Russian Mental Case
It’s ironic, to say the least, that Russia’s neo-Soviet overlords so often attempt to put their political rivals into psychiatric hospitals (we have a whole category in our sidebar devoted to documenting these efforts). Ironic, since it’s the overlords themselves who are so much more in need of such treatment. Our lead editorial today about the literally crazed remarks of Putin’s puppet in Chechnya, Ramzan Kadyrov, is all the evidence any reasonable person needs on this point. But there’s lots more.
Take for instance the revelation last week that Russian “president” Dima Medvedev had appointed his chief of staff Sergey Naryshkin to chair a special committee devoted to improving Russia’s image in the West. In any normal, civilized, intelligent country such an effort would begin by carefully reviewing national policies to see what mistakes had been made, what errors might have provoked foriegn animus, what reforms should be made. But not in Putin’s Russia. “There’s so much speculation and insinuation,” said Anatoly Kucherena, a lawyer who has set up a think tank to criticize U.S. and European democracy, summing up the Kremlin’s attitude.
In other words, Russia is doing nothing wrong except perhaps not marketing itself well enough, it’s the foreigners themselves with their ignorance and stupidty who are the problem.
Even many Russophiles themselves see how utterly insane this is. “Nothing will come of this,” said Fyodor Lukyanov, editor of a Moscow-based magazine, Russia in Global Affairs. “Image is not something that can be altered by a bureaucratic machine.” It’s exactly the same type of attitude the USSR took towards the outside world, and it was the USSR itself that collapsed as a result.
Medvedev has not done anything of substance since he was “elected” to alter the repressive neo-Soviet political climate. Instead of responding to the report from the European Union which we highlighted in out last issue, a report which condemns Russia’s entire judicial system as corrupt and barbaric, with a set of reform proposals, Medvedev simply ignored the report. Instead of routinely holding press conferences where he can be confronted by opposition journalists, Medvedev ignores the press. Instead of firing Vladimir Putin, whose mismanagement of the economy gets worse by the minute, Medvedev allows rumors to persist that Putin could return to power at any moment as “president for life.”
Russia realizes it has a horrific image problem, yet it won’t take any action to change its behavior. Instead, it simply continues it by blaming the outside world and trying to use cheap marketing gimmicks to lie its way into a better image. That didn’t work for the USSR and it won’t work for Russia.
We’re wise to your lies, Mr. Medvedev.
La Russophobe 
Hello from rts!
Can I have a pay check for this below about Ruskies?
Some comment on Russia’s image as “Annals of the American Mental Case”….
Russia is a big, big place. It’s probably the biggest place you will find unless you go to Jupiter or something like that. Russia is east of the United States and Canada unless you go west. If you go west, Russia is to the west. But we don’t really consider it as part of the West because it’s east, even though it’s also not part of the East because it’s west. It’s that f…ing big.
Russians are big, androgynous people, except for the hot ones that are advertised for mail-order purchase. Rental or leasing arrangements are also available. Orphans are also readily available from Russia, as baby factories are set up in Siberia to fuel their child prostitution and pornography industries. Generally a Russian baby can be bought for a bunch of bananas and several pairs of used Levi jeans (damn Russians and their love for LEVI’S). Russian babies come with a 2-year warranty, but does not cover defects caused by misuse or mishandling.
Russians speak Russian, which is written in Cyrillic. Their ability to write a simple alphabet that differs from the Roman alphabet gives them a major superiority complex. Never mind the fact that Chinese, Japanese, and Korean are much more complicated writing systems. Their ignorance of their neighbors to the East may be the cause for this fierce sense of superiority
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Russians have an overwhelming sense of pride in the inefficiencies of Communism. While Soviet Russia was unable to produce a functioning toaster, to the Russians that was okay because they had nuclear warheads for each American city. The availability of food is unimportant to the Russian, as he can simply brew vodka in his bathtub.
Some favorite pastimes of Russians are drinking vodka, pedophilia, selling organs on the black market, shooting people, standing in bread lines, killing Chechnyans, reveling in their own racism, and being anti-American. When America does something it is evil; when Russia does the same thing it is glorious!
Due to their god awful history and present situation, the Russian people are a hearty bunch. It is not uncommon to see roving street gangs in Moscow beating up innocent people. Do not fear though, as this is the police force.
While it is unusual for heterosexuality to flourish in modern Russia, the occasional straight male tourist will likely be disappointed by the leg hair, mustaches, and overall stench of the women in this bizarre nation.
There is a government, but the Russian mafia is much more interesting and influential. The mafia also have much, much more money than the Russian government. If you have any business in Russia (although hopefully you don’t), it is much quicker to work directly with Russian mafia rather than through government agencies. It’s also cheaper and safer.The Russian mafia has replaced the Italian and Sicilian Mafia as the principle ultra-capitalist element in the United States, so USA can now have the convenience of working for them directly from home. You know that new skyscraper in your nearest big city? Well, they probably own that. The Russian economy is principally organized by mafia – that’s why it’s called Organizatsiya, because they organize everything. This is very comforting to government and business leaders in Western democracies because it’s a familiar system.
The accepted currency in Russia currently are the following: American dollars, German cars, and attractive women. The currency is subject to change.
Russia’s leading exports are pirated mp3s from allofmp3.com and internet brides.
Soviet Russia was very different from the Western World. For example, in California, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the party could always find you. In other ways, they had things in common. For example, the citizens of Soviet Russia were very hateful of Latvians.
The USA was jealous of the Soviet Union having control of Russia. To counter this, NATO installed nuclear missiles in Turkey to show Russia who was the boss. Russia attempted to place a large arsenal of nuclear weapons in Cuba, leading to the Cuban Missile Crisis. The US’s naval superiority and JFK’s stunning good looks quickly put Russia back in its place, safely ending the crisis.
The entrance of Ronald Reagan spelled doom for Soviet Russia. With Reagan’s super strength, heat vision, and with Bonzo the Supermonkey at his side, the United States would soon become the victor in the Battle of the Co.ks, for America’s c.ck was/is biggest of all (approximately the size of Japan…x2).
Gorbachev tried to prevent the United States from conquering the USSR by implementing perestroika and glasnost. Perestroika was an economic reform which consisted of changing the Russian currency to the US dollar and hiring Donald Trump to clean up the business sector of Russia. Unfortunately for Russia, Donald Trump soon left the project in favor of cultivating Paris Hilton’s career and filming reality TV shows.
Glasnost was kind of social reform. Some freedom of press was allowed, resulting in angsty teenage poetry being printed in all major newspapers in the USSR. Prohibition was also enacted since Gorbachev felt that Russians drank too much vodka, not leaving enough for his personal use. This resulted in the Great Vodka Revolt of 1985 in which 1.2 million people died. Prohibition was lifted soon after.
In 1991, the Soviet Union fell after Gorbachev admitted to being quoll furry during a press conference with the Prime Minister of Australia. Disgusted with how godless their country had become, the Russian population revolted against the government and installed democracy. This quickly led to a flood of Tropicana orange juice, Nike sneakers, and heroin into the country.
Russians only do well in Olympic sports and hockey. They aren’t so good at football, baseball or basketball (except in European league), so there isn’t much global significance in sporting there. Even in hockey, they aren’t as good as Canada anymore, having become to hockey what Japan is to baseball. Still they, crazy barbarian bastards, suddendly f.cked all the nigger’s as….es in boxing. They also pwn everyone in chess, but no one gives a f…ck.
America got jealous of the USSR, because it had more nukes, a bigger army, and better army equipment. As always, America can’t stand looking at a country that is F..KING 9,000,000,000,000,000 TIMES MOAR POWERFUL, so they started making sh.tty propaganda vids to show the citizens of USA how bad communism is. However they annoyed the Russians so much, that they decided to split the USSR so that those Americans would SHUT UP.
Russian Roullete is was invented by Stalin in an attempt to make tourists feel at home. Of course it failed because no one did this at home and the Russians soon forgot about it. However Asians soon decided this is exactly the kind of thing that they want to be associated with. And began using it to try and lower their horribly large populations. Russia declined to comment.
And from what I have seen of them, I have no particular desire to understand them except to ascertain how much lead or iron it takes to kill them. In addition to his other amiable characteristics, the Russian has no regard for human life and they are all-out sons-of-b.tches, barbarians, and chronic fatas.es.
P.S.
If you have read these lines to this end you may take and use them as a sample of common knowlidge of an average American “intellectual” revealing American idiocy on Russia.
Don’t forget about the paycheck to my name.
Thank you, i like this sort of objective thought, you are right that we make bad generalisations most of the time, about people we dont know, and especially people whom we feel have the piwer to threaten us. The sad part though is the following – if you are a non-russian, dont get surprised if you get accused of being a russian, who is “spreading propaganda about the falsness of the russian stereotypes” lol
Rts, you’ve really earned my respect as a parody writer — that was f.ing funny. I’d send you a paycheck if you’d take Brazilian reais.
Of course, you left out the fact that this is as good a parody of the average (?) American intellectual and their knowledge of Russia as it is of the average (?) Russian intellectual (especially in the press) and their knowledge of America. Or Europe. Or any other country in the world, really.
If only Russians and Americans would stop doing that!
That’s encyclopedia dramatica:) Written by native English speakers about native English speakers. So, please, go research before you make any generalisations about Russians and their stereotypes, really. Russian lurkmore.ru has a similar article about the US, but both the range of facts and the style differ much.
I think that akhmad reformed rts? :)
rts – Personally I’d like to thank you and the other Russophiles for educating me about the truth in Russia. Because of you, I know this…
A HISTORY OF RUSSIA (20th century because no amount of server storage space could possibly contain all the greatness of the Russian Nation!)
Once upon a time there was a great nation called Russia. It was better than all the other nations and nothing bad ever happened there. They never started any wars, never had any economic problems, never lost any battles in the wars they never started, wrote all the good books, drew all the good paintings, cooked all the good food, and never took any territory from the countries that they never declared war against in the first place.
Inside Russia lived lots of people who weren’t Russians, like barbarous Georgians and sneaky Ukrainians and money-grubbing Poles. But that was OK because they always listened to the good Russians and nothing bad ever happened to them. If sometimes they complained, then God punished them with misery until they called out “OH GOOD RUSSIAN PEOPLE. SAVE US MISERABLE LESSER BEINGS FROM OUR OWN STUPIDITY.” And then all would be well again.
But outside of Russia were a group of evil, nasty nations called “The West.” And because Russia was so good and prosperous, and they so evil and poor, and because they had poo-poo where their souls should have been, they grew jealous and devised an evil plan to put Russia down forever!
First they started a war among themselves. Now this seems a silly way to crush a peaceful nation like Russia, but they framed the war on a good Serbian (Serbians, of course, are the only good people in Europe, the most noble people to commit two genocides within a five-year period!) So Russia, to save poor Serbia, got stuck in the war. And while the evil, horrible Western nations slaughtered themselves by the hundreds of thousands to lull the good Russians into a false sense of security, they secretly put their evil plan into action.
In a neutral nation called Switzerland, the Evil Western nations created a homonculus called Lenin, and convinced Lenin that he was a Russian. They then sent him on a train to Russia, which of course he thought was his home even though he wasn’t really a Russian, but an evil Western Homonculus.
And when he got there, Lenin cast a magic spell and all the good Russians went to sleep. So that way Russia came under the control of Barbarous Georgians and Sneaky Ukrainians and Money-Grubbing Poles! And forced the good Russian people (who were asleep anyway) to work under a system called Communism.
In fact, at one point, the Barbarous Georgians decided to get rid of the Sneaky Ukrainians by starving them to death. Why would they do that? Weren’t they friends? No – You see when a Sneaky Ukrainian is good, he isn’t a Sneaky Ukrainian at all. He is a Good Little Russian. And that makes it sad when they all starve to death. Until they turn into Sneaky Ukrainians again and then it’s OK because they deserve it.
But despite all this, Russia wasn’t falling apart fast enough for the Western countries, so they made a new plan. They voted in a man called Hitler the Nazi (and it was a fair vote where mobs would beat you up if you didn’t vote for Hitler the Nazi, which is how democracy works!) And Hitler the Nazi began his conquest of Russia by signing a treaty with Russia giving it most of Eastern Europe and allowing them to slaughter all those nasty Money-Grubbing Poles. Besides, the Poles deserved it for taking the city of Teschen, when all the Russians did was take Latvia, Lithuania, Estonia, half of Poland, the most populated and richest areas of Finland, and the Northern Parts of Rumania. Of course, it was actually the Barbarous Georgian who did it, but obviously it was OK because it was good for Russia just like all the Russian historians say, and therefore must have been good for the world.
But then, the Germans invaded Russia. And the good Russian people all woke up, and took over from the Barbarous Georgians and Sneaky Ukrainians and Money-Grubbing Poles. And miracle of miracles, the most Barbarous Georgian of all, Stalin, magically transformed into a Good Russian himself, which is why so many Russians consider him the greatest Russian ever!
Of course some Western nations like America tried to pretend to be Russia’s friend and send it boatloads and boatloads of trucks and food and guns. But the good Russian people (and the Barbarous Georgians and Sneaky Ukrainians who were now good Little Russians except when they collaborated with the Germans, in which case they were still Sneaky Ukrainians) saw right through this evil plot and told the Americans to take all their nasty boatloads of goods back.
And the Russians won the war all by themselves. The Georgians and the Little Russians were busy cleaning the floors and doing other non-combat activities. The Americans and British pretended to fight, but whenever they landed in Africa or Italy or France and shot their guns, they actually missed every time!
So the Good Russians won the war and went back to sleep. And the Heroic Russian Stalin turned back into a Barbarous Georgian and the Good Little Russians turned back into Sneaky Ukrainians and they ran the country into the ground. Except for a few good scientists who made bombs, which is good because the greatest achievement of any nation is the ability to annihilate the human race.
But forty years later the Russians all woke up and said – “This communism, it doesn’t work.” Not that anything was wrong. Russians are just smarter than anything else. And they ended communism.
But then the Americans came in like locusts and stole everything. Americans with names like Gusinsky and Bezorovsky and Khodorkovsky (yes I know their names sound Russian, but they were evil homonculi, just like Lenin!)
But then, magically, Putin came and defeated all the evil American homonculi-thieves, or turned them into good Russians like Deripaska (except that apparently, he turned back.) And now Russia has no problems whatsover, and America will fall next week, just as soon as it runs out of ink, seeing as it doesn’t produce anything besides dollars. And everybody loves Russia more than anything in the world – and if they don’t they must be Barbarous Georgians or Sneaky Ukrainians or Money-Grubbing Poles.
The End
Dear rts,
Thank you for starting this interesting and informative new thread. :)
Ounce upon a time, where moscow stands now, there lived a clan; there lived a clan of people that slept with black ornery pigs, to keep them warm at night. Barbarians, in passing, enjoyed their lifestyle, and joined them.
The clan grew, and then the clan decided to impose its’ will on the lands of their neighbors. These barbarians killed, pillaged, and raped the land and the people in their neighborhood. They never stopped. They went on for centuries!
Then, in the 17th century, the tsar of Muscovy and the patriarch of the moskali decide to bribe Constantinople to remove the patriarch of Kiev and replace him with the moscow patriarch. Several years later, Constantinople annuls prior requests because they were not under canon law. After they occupied Kiev-Rus, they stole the name and decided to call themselves rooshan, instead of the moskali.
Then, in the 1920’s, the kremlin decided to eliminate about eight million+ (8,000,000+) Lesser Russians {pronounced Ukrainians}!
Then, in 1932/33, the kremlin decided to exterminate about another ten million+ (10,000,000+) Ukrainians, with a fabricated forced starvation {pronounced GENOCIDE}, and created vacated villages so that members of their clan can occupy furnished well kept homes, and their cultivated lands.
Then, in 1939/45 Ukraine lost about other ten million + (10,000,000+) human beings.
Today, the kremlin is still trying to control and subjugate their neighbors, But alas, they only have the rooshan [and others] intelligentsia and journalists to kill, on their own territory, left now.
Oh yeah, Russia is horrible, good for nothing (American interests), but COMMUNIST China is GREAT! Just look at all the stuff they make for us Americans, and they are just “pretend” communists anyway, because for now they serve our interests and feed our addiction to consumerism, but as soon as they decide to raise the prices for their exports, then we as a nation will declare them as the greatest evil on the planet, and tell stories about how barbaric, cruel and retarded they are.
If only there was a brilliant mind that could invent a device which could convert blatant hypocrisy into electricity, then USA would become the biggest exporter of energy for the entire world and would assure the survival of the human race for eons.
Entire earth would literally shine like the dazzling Las Vegas strip, and advanced beings from other civilizations would simply marvel at such inventive use of complete ignorance.
Zack, there are such brilliant minds around – for decades. And they went further – to converting hypocrisy into money. Why do you think the country still has money for this kind of consumerism, notwithstanding it owes more than an annual GDP?
I just start to study English. Thanks to the site I’ll improove my vocabulary. ;) It’s good that siteowners worry about Russians and their well-being.